when AM i writing...exactly?

Right now i am in a bit of a pickle.

Not a big pickle by any means. But a pickle none the less. I have been thinking about why i have no trouble doing the research and programming portions of my thesis but i have no end of trouble sitting down to write!

I mean, i think that if i just rename and jiggle my tasks i can make it SEEM as if i am doing parts of the project that i like while doing the bits i don't like. SURELY?

It must be purely psychological. The writing for conferences and papers is not a problem. The thesis writing is.

Maybe it is not just me. When i am "working" i find i can be rude and annoying. I can ignore people and yell even. I think this is because i become intense and a bit scary. When i am writing other people will come and look at what i am doing...see that i am writing....and then say

"Oh, you're just writing"

and then talk to me. They know i am going to talk back and probably be distracted by a coffee or a trip to the shops or something. They know i will let them.

Maybe even i see it as not important work.

I am, like, so messed up :)

BTW i don't have to same problem when i am hand writing stuff. I like it. But the material is so complex i couldn't do it without the laptop. I can't imagine how people use to keep track of everything before computers!!

A rather tiring week i must say. I am soooo sleepy. I am also using this as an excuse as to why i have written next to nothing this week. I think it is rather a good excuse. Nothing like having an excuse you believe in.

I have written and deleted two blogs for today. The sounded half complete with a whinging undertone. If trying to write my thesis has taught me anything is say EXACTLY what you mean and say it SUCCINCTLY. I did neither.

I will paraphrase it. I am sick of being hassled about my research area by strangers when (a) they don't know me and (b) they only think they know what i study. And then they get at me for wasting time and money (none of which belongs to them so go figure) and for not solving world hunger.....since when do i have to fix everything myself?

So i decided to delete it and stop feeling sorry for myself. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but next time i am going to just tell 'em to find a soap box somewhere else!

Actually i feel better having said what i did even if i deleted it all. I suck as a blogger.

on a bit of a downer

I should start by saying that it is school holidays. So this means i have a whole extra bunch of time to actively not be doing the stuff i should be doing. Also, i have loads more time to check emails and twitter and blogs and stuff. Loads of really important stuff being done.

....

...and it is cold. Icy cold in fact. Been to town shopping and for a walk and visited my chiro. So i deserve a little time to look at stuff online. Perfect day for it really. Internet-ing I mean.

OK. The truth is that i slept badly and had nightmares which i ALWAYS get just after some brilliant research days. I don't know why. You just have to take the good with the bad. You can't expect genius ideas with little or no repercussion.

On the up side i bought three new books: a supernatural (tv show) novel, a novel about dinosaur hunters (i liked the cover) and another on the history of the English language. And a new vest. Very warm and it has a hood.

So to be frank i have done little or more accurately, no writing at all today. I suck.

But i found a cool New Scientist article on fake paper writing which made me laugh:

http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn17288-spoof-paper-accepted-by-peerreviewed-journal.html

I think i need a cup of tea now.

later.

memory lane

Got an email from Ben today. Nice and kind Ben is helping me relocate my old life to my new life. He is helping me even though i am a lot of extra work he doesn't need and have a LOT of data!

He suggested i get putty and winscp up and running and have a look for some data i want. It isn't there because it is on the supercomputers tape system and needs a different login thing (which i can't do from home yet). But still I had the weirdest time...

once i go it all going it going i started to trawl through my file directories. It was unsettlin'.

What i can't figure out is why did i not leave myself notes??

It would have help so much. just a little one saying "this directory contain such and such and you wrote all this code to do something dead set important"

It is going to take me sometime to go through ALL my old code...but you just can't throw
things out...you never know when you will need them. LUCKY for me i was totally anal about writing what every piece of code was for and any re-writes/problems.

great day.

It sure beats having to write anything and yet you still get the feeling that you have achieved something!

what it is that i study

You know what i hate? If you know me then i have probably told you like a hundred times. By that i have growled it in passing. For no obvious reason. Leaving you a little worried about what part of the conversation you missed or about me.

I hate it when people ask me "so what do you do?".

As if there was a simple answer. It is such i loaded question. People are trying to be polite or friendly or trying to decide if your interesting slash important enough to talk with. I don't like being put into a box. Yet the answer will decide if anyone will talk to you at all. Sometimes for the rest of the night.

I have got around this mostly by getting to them first. Most people like to talk about themselves so if you get in early you can avoid the whole issues of them asking you! I am not a genius for nothing...

To be fare. I like talking about what other people do more than what i do. I will walk about art and tv and movies and books. I STUDY these things before going forth to meet people just so i have modern cultural references to help me get by.

To this end i have provided some information from one of the most reliable sources on the Internet. OK. So i just lied. The simplest and most easily digestible information:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polynya and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antarctica

My work also involves remote sensing and a lot of computer programming but people tend to want to hear about those things even less.

I also work with small children. Think i should be doing something in the arts instead and wish i were back with my old department where everyone else did things like me. Only more interesting and they were happy to talk about it even if you didn't ask.

my work here is done.

task avoidance

I have been to the museum, the shops and for a wet winter walk.

This means, of course, that i have not done any writing today at all. That is not to say i haven't thought about it all.

I have to decide two things:

1. should i start again. from scratch. just dump it all and then start fresh with all my notes as if the previous version does not exist
2. not to be so STUPID (pronounced s-two-pid).

I think sometime I should go with first choice BUT the thing is that my writing will not get any better. I should just slap content in the thing and then do a HARSH edit after that.

On another note i have never been so preoccupied with tv and stupid internet sites.

I think i have advanced avoidance abilities.

My first post.

I think the title says it all really.

I think of myself as a recovering addict. From what is not important. The need to write again is important to me. I am the least happeist writer in the world but it needs to be done. I can move on when it is done. Even if it never turns out to be a completed PhD at least publish all my research material and move on with my life.

This is a way to be honest with myself. I need no audience or have a harsher critic than myself.

I love the dougles adams quote:

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing sound they make as they go by

It sums up how i think about the writing process. But i know i can do it because i have papers and conference things DONE. I have met programming and research deadlines. Just not this one thing that means such a lot to those around me to have not failed at.