change of EVERYTHING

family jewels...no, serisously.

A little tale from my mother.

Several months ago we lost my Nan. As part of her estate my mum was given "the family jewels". When i say jewels i mean an old watch, a coin and plastic flower thing etc. In other words nothing that was worth any money but meant something to Nan.

The reference to the "family jewels" was obviously a family joke.

Today my Mother was clean an old photo frame. It was of the wedding of my sister. One corner of the photo-shopped in my late grandfather (dec 41 years). i have no idea why they photo-shopped him in. family.

While cleaning the frame she was really, really looking at the photo frame. She then realised that the small plastic flower thing was what Grandfather was wearing on his lapel. At her own wedding (41 years ago).

The thing is that no one else has this photo on their wall. No one else would have even KEPT a small plastic flower .

Just goes to show the even though something may have no monetary value what so ever doesn't mean it's not important or can give you what that find gave my mum today - it helped lift her spirits and made her smile (this week has not been a good week for many reasons).

love is all.

thinking again

well i have been doing a lot of thinking lately about what i want out of life and how i want to get it. I can't say i have found a single answer yet but that doesn't mean i wont keep looking.

Been a rough few months. Death, illness and worries abound.

I do know that my greatest wish is to have a finished and awesome PhD. Just for me this time. Not for other people or because i have to but just cause i really, really like m y research area and doing that research.

I guess i do have a plan starting! wish me luck.

sorry, sorry

due to ill health i have not been writing or doing any research for the last few months. As i am starting to feel better that is, hopefully, going to change!

thank you, trina.

sorry, sorry

due to ill health i have not been writing or doing any research for the last few months. As i am starting to feel better that is, hopefully, going to change!

thank you, trina.

been thinkin'

So i have been thinking. A lot. About stuff. Some of it very specific. Other times it is about concepts. I just really, really need to stop thinking and start acting though.
Firstly it is about my PhD. I think i need to stop waiting to “get better and stronger” and deal with what i have to work with now. I need that little bit of ego boost to help me ask for help and move forward with what i really want to do. I guess i have spent too long being worried that i am not good enough. Deep down i think i expect to fail (or to be told i am not good enough after all). I just need to get over it.

I also need to start doing things i love rather than doing what is expected of me.
I also need to get over the fact that i lost the two guys who may have been my “soul mate”. I lost one because i wasn’t what he want and the other because i thought he was way out of my league. I spent way too much time trying to figure out why i was not loved back (and trying to fix those things) and not able to see what just might have been right in front of me. I doubt it would have worked out (in either case) but at least in the latter i might have gained some great experiences.

I think i keep waiting around for “things to just happen” or for someone else to fix things for me. I never was very ambitious. Focussed, obsessive and passionate but not enough drive to fix things. I blame all those girly manners instilled at a young age ....

Also i can’t drive a car and am terrible with money.

Wish me luck and stay safe in your part of the world.

wow it has been ages.....

wow....it really has been a long time.....

well you see, i got sick. i didn't know i was sick. at the time. i just felt sick and tired and like the idiot i am did NOT go to the doctors. anyway it takes weeks to get into my doc. so why bother....most things just go away on there own. this did. eventually. what i didn't know was that i had been really, really sick and just got lucky that i got better on my own.

i have this new plan of making a standing doctors appointment for every month and then canceling if nothing comes up. it is a plan and everything.

so now i am feeling better. i would have felt better sooner if i had just gone to the doctor that the time. turns out they give you med cine.....

so. tonight i just can't sleep. i am upset and worried and upset. about work. i like my current job (even though i know i should be moving on....yeah i DO know). i work very, very hard to do my best. always trying to be the best i can be. not that i know if i am actually doing anything right.

turns out i only get a talking to when i do something wrong.....so i kinda have to assume i am doing the right thing. or wait for some gossip about myself. they really like to bitch about each other at my work place. i try to stay out of it. that's one of the major reasons for not becoming too close to your work mates people. less chances of a knife in the back hurting so much.

today i got a stab. over something so trivial it is not even worth mentioning.

do make me think a bit more about getting the old PhD done and back to working for myself again.

nearly impossible to stab yourself in the back.. although with my luck i could some how manage to fall and stab myself.


soooo....i hope your all well.


that was kinda awkward wasn't it? if our can't write what you really think in a blog what is the whole point of a anything.

and i didn't name names or anything

*sigh*

alright...going to sleep now.

*wave*